Getting worked up - Why ?

The times we live in are indeed confusing. Stress, Pressure and depression that were previously commonplace  terminologies in hospitals, therapy sessions and psychology textbooks have become household words. If this is any indicator of the pace of our times or the general deterioration of the quality of lives that we lead is something that is thoroughly debatable.  

 

I happened to come across a survey that claimed that a staggering 87% of Indian women feel stressed out most of time and that certainly bummed me out to begin with for I feel we have been blessed with the most beautiful mothers, sisters, gal pals and wives. I mean imagine our lives without them -

1. We would certainly have dirty dishes, stinking laundry and a house that looks like a its been hit by a tornado every single day of the year.

2. We would have nothing to eat in the fridge and still be stinking be stinking with body odor.

3. We would still be fighting wars which began for no apparent rhyme or reason -  picture anything ranging from not being given a slot on the playstation to who should shower first or rather should we shower at all.

4. Kids would inevitably become psychopaths, drug addicts and serial killers by the time they reach their teens.

5. Homosexuality would most definitely be a thing.       

Lets just say without women and their influence, the world would indeed be a terrible place to live in. This responsibility alone is stressful and could bum any human being out. That said, I reckon the ladies could learn a thing or two from men on how to counter being stressed out. 

Here's the 'Atrocious' take on Why men are never depressed?

Men are just simple and happier beings. Food, beer and cars is all it takes to make us your buddy, sometimes even a dude or a bro. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich 10 minutes before lunch does not count as an appetizer, it is merely a signal to let the stomach know that more food is coming its way and importantly chocolate is just another snack.    

For starters, we don't ask you if we look fat in the red hoodie or the blue one or don't have to worry about wearing a white T-shirt to a water park because its perfectly ok to go topless to a water park. We also don't care how our legs look like when we wear shorts and our wedding tuxedo rent costs about 10% of your dress. Our inner wear hardly costs anything, lasts long and most definitely doesn't have strap problems and importantly people don't stare at our chests when we talk to them.

We can easily sport a completely bald, partially bald or an obnoxious hairstyle without as much as a squeak; heck we even have the same hairstyle for decades and graying or wrinkles adds to our charm. Everything on our faces stays in the same shape and color, we only have to shave our faces and also have a say on whether or not we should sport a mustache.

If someone forgets to invite us he/she can still be a friend and a small act of thoughtfulness reaps us great rewards. One pair of denims and shoes which never cut, blister or mangle our feet are more than sufficient for a five day vacation. We don't need directions - both on the road as well as how to tighten a screw and vehicle mechanics always tell us the truth.

We are totally allowed to play with toys, games and pranks all our lives. Our phone conversations last upto a minute under extreme circumstances and the whole world is a urinal. We have a single and perennial mood all our lives and can do wedding shopping for 25 relatives in 25 minutes. 

PS: I fully well know its a sexist post so hardcore feminists are allowed to have a hard on, not that I would care.           

         

When Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

My time on this planet is much like a Bollywood movie - no less. With copious scoops of adventure, action, drama and some booster packs of  awesomeness, life has and still continues to be a dream that I get to experience day in - day out.

To read about the latest entry in the Atrocious book of adventure, we must rewind to the morning of Saturday the 14th of January. The roomie's girl was coming into town and being the doting boyfriend that he is, he promptly sent me to receive her from the railway station because she was carrying some heavy duty stuff and needed some help lifting.

After our hi's and hello's at the platform, we got on to business end of the morning and started walking homeward with the luggage. Winter mornings here can be tricky, especially the early morning dew on metal staircases. As luck would have it, we were climbing down one such metal staircase with heavy luggage to contend with and as expected I missed one step and went tumbling down face first on 4 other steps below to  come to a halt due to the blessed presence of friction 4 seconds later.

Mentally cursing my male ego, I thrust myself up before the missy could help me up and also looked around to check if any other passer's by had seen my moment of misadventure in real time, thankfully not. I felt no pain but was bleeding from from my chin, lips and my left index finger.

On being forcefully taken to a hospital by the roomie and his missy; I found myself ogling staring listening observantly to a blue eyed angelic looking 20 something brunette German doctor who was obviously impressed by my hold of conversant German. You have to believe me when I tell you she looked smokin hot and just when I was about to mentally drift off to the serene locales of Switzerland and New Zealand to sing duets with her she mercilessly brought me back to reality by poking the affected area on my left index finger and palm with her recently manicured half inch nails to leave me wincing in pain which I obviously could not extrapolate in words to her owing to my male ego; I said it does hurt quite a bit and needs attention. She then promptly proceeded to dress up the wounds and quite literally made a mouse hill look like a mountain covering up my entire left hand and rendering it unusable.

All hope was not lost when she asked me to come the following day to continue the course of treatment. I made double sure that she would be the attending doctor on call on Sunday before bidding her goodbye for the day. As my wretched luck would have it, I went in the following day(Sunday) to find a 50 something male doctor (her senior) with her waiting for me armed with a pair of gloves and a facial expression akin to Satan's with his metal staff. He gave me, what can only be described as the most painful bandage dressing I have ever experienced but as expected I had to underplay the pain to look macho. On leaving the room after their goodbye's, lets just say I vowed to stay away from a hospital for as long as humanly possible.       

             

Darn you - lethal combination of good looking doctor chicks and their merciless aged male seniors. 

            

The Homosexual Juggernaut

Homosexuality in the motherland has assumed a whole new perspective in the past few years. With increased awareness in the print, television and online media, the resistance towards this concept has weakened considerably with time and is definitely gaining more acceptance by the day which not only indicates that we are evolving as a society but is proof enough that humanity is alive and kicking.  

As with any new concept, there is a certain degree of misunderstanding and opposition that comes as a package deal. For instance, when the Live-In relationship started gaining prominence; the conservatives dismissed it as a passing cloud that would not survive the test of time but reality as we know it is strikingly different.

In the post Dostana era, when people are more open to the idea of accepting homosexual roommates or co-workers for that matter; much good has been done for the homosexual fraternity but there seems to be trouble brewing for the singles aka 'people like myself'. Why, you ask? 

Reasons underscoring why life as we know it has become tortuous post the Dostana era for Singleton's/Singletini's 

1. You cannot call your best friend - boyfriend anymore. The word Boyfriend's exclusive copyrights now belong to the ladies and gays apparently. Despite that, if you still do use it, what ensues is a cluster of mocking innuendos with you as the central target.

2. Hugging has become taboo suddenly; even a lightning quick 1.5 second hug with a pat on the back. What was totally appropriate 3 years ago, now stands restrained or even relegated. 

3. A Handshake between 2 perfectly straight gentlemen does not last for more than 3 seconds. Any longer and either or both gentlemen will shake the other palm off them lest they come across as homosexual to each other and the world.

4. If you thought homo's are changing the socially accepted convention only for the gentlemen, think again because Female royalty also have a problem with homosexual nomenclature; because Gays are stealing away their limelight as they are also called Queens. 

5. If you thought Gays were making only single guys uncomfortable you're probably wrong. Single ladies seem to be the most affected lot because they find it difficult to tell the gay men from the straight men. Don't believe me?

Read one affected soul's heart rendering anecdote here. 

Its no surprise that the line - All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive, married to someone else or gay is among the most popular one liners of the decade gone by. 

6. A Single guy/girl above a certain cut-off age(varies from region to region) is automatically perceived to be leaning towards homosexuality under the guise of him/her being in the aforementioned state of singleness.

7. Anyone with a noticeable lisp is pronounced to be gay irrespective of the justification given by the said individual.

8. Ear piercing in men has been a regularity for sometime now; a ear piercing on the wrong side and bang, they are termed fruity.          

On a closing note, I leave you with a strikingly different perception of the homosexual conundrum.

  

  

PS: This write up is not aimed to anger or instigate any of our homosexual friends; is meant to be taken only in jest. However if any part of the write up offends you personally, please do write in. 

PS 1: What got me thinking was the absurdity behind this article:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2068810/Saudis-fear-virgins-people-turn-gay-female-drive-ban-lifted.html

What do you think are some other common misunderstandings? 

                 

HUBBA, HUBBA, HUBBA

Dear Reader,

                      I write this with the hope of sharing my predicament with you and wait with baited breath for your valuable inputs, critiques and possible solutions to this predicament I find myself in.

The following is a short description of my predicament:-

I was at the recently concluded Frankfurt Motor Show which could only be described as a single guy's paradise. The place was a deadly concoction of everything a Single guy can ever dream off ---> Beer,  Smoking Hot Cars, Futuristic Concept Vehicles, Smoking Hot Cars with Smoking Hot babes on them, in them, around them, under them; in all possible sizes, variants and models and I don't just mean the cars. It was a holy pilgrimage for Car enthusiasts such as myself to get up, close and personal with the Gods and Goddesses of the car world including the likes of the Ferrari's, Porsche's, Bentley's, Maybach's, Rolls-Royce's and many many more in their most divine and plentiful incarnations.          

HUBBA,HUBBA , HUBBA, were the only words that my mouth seemed to be voicing out all day, apart from the jaw dropping and gawking action that was taking place shamelessly. 

Here's a quick glimpse of what was on display

   

BMW's i8 Concept Car which will feature in the movie Mission Impossible 4 : Ghost Protocol later this year.

    

The Sexy Alfa Romeo which won many a heart.

The Alfa Romeo with some Add-On's. It was so Freaking hard to decide on what to Gawk at.

Classic Instance of the predicament I find myself in.

 

Mercedes Benz Concept A Design - Another Hottie that I just couldn't stop ogling at.

The Mercedes Benz F-125  (125 marks the 125th anniversary of the first patented automobile) 

The Fiat Abart 695 Competizione. Aint she a beauty?

At this, one of my friends asked me, Who's hotter? The Car or the Model? This was the tipping point,

I am still scratching my head, ripping off my hair but the answer still eludes me. 

I haven't slept in 28 hours or eaten in the last 15, please help me out before I'm taken to the loony bin.

I feel like Joey Tribbianni being asked which he would give up among Food or Sex. Like Joey's answer; which is Girls on bread, I too wish I had an answer, unfortunately I don't and so I ask you, the reader; to help me with this predicament I find myself in. 

Yours Sincerely 

Confused and Hungry Single Guy

PS 1: Did I mention HUBBA, HUBBA, HUBBA? I've not been able to get that out of my head. Wonder Why?

PS 2: I hereby truthfully admit that I shed a silent tear on the train ride back home when nobody was watching  owing to being forcefully dragged out from the Show venue at closing time. I loved the show so much, it HURTSSS.

*bawls like a baby* 

Picture Courtesy : Friend's Brilliant Camera Work and Google Images.

PS 3: Copying these images without prior consent gives you Gonorrhea.           

Use and Throw

1. Use and Throw - People

3 Months Ago

B works for an IT Major, is pretty well educated and is a thorough gentleman. He quietly goes about his business, helping those in need whenever and however he can. His betrothal comes as a surprise to many of his friends, colleagues, acquaintances and well-wishers who always had it in the back of their heads that B would have a love marriage. One day like any other, as he takes his company bus homeward , he is stabbed in the abdomen by a group of assailants just as he deboards the bus. He is immediately ferried to the hospital, where he is admitted into critical care and given timely treatment. The doctor reports to his family, who have been alerted in the meanwhile; that their son has suffered multiple stab wounds and is in a coma owing to the shock of being stabbed. The motive behind the stabbing is unknown - declare the Police with whom a formal complaint is lodged before throwing the case file into their ever growing pile of cases.

3 Months Hence - Present Day

B recovers from a coma but is still in very bad shape. He now has to contend with a torn abdomen and partly torn intestine as a result of the stabbing apart from the agony and shock of being stabbed. The firm he worked for have now taken him off their payroll as the doctor has advised him a year's duration of bed rest. He is now physically and mentally drained.

His fiance is nowhere to be seen in this entire hospital drama. He re-assures himself that the only constants in his life are his soon to be wife, his parents and his close circle of friends. She comes visiting once he is shifted from the hospital and asks for a meeting with him in private. He assumes wrong.

B's fiance confesses in their private meeting that B was stabbed by her ex-lover who was outraged that she chose a more sophisticated and enterprising mate for herself while two-timing him. The ex-lover was not one to take things lying down. After all if she had the nerve to give him the bitter treatment, all he did was tit for tat. She pleaded innocence and apologized profusely to B for not informing him of her past and begged for his forgiveness. B then goes on to ask her, why she decided to marry him despite having a special someone in her life, to which she mind numbingly mumbles- I don't know.

B then calls off the wedding and takes a sabbatical from his career, for there is precious little he can do, he is now battered both literally and figuratively.

2. Use and Throw - Animals

We love the company of pets(well, some of us do !!!). Besides human contact, pets probably provide the closest simulation of what we humans perceive as love, attention and affection. The following was a scene to which my friend was a witness.

1st August, 7 AM

As I was drinking my morning cuppa on the balcony chair, in the company of the newspaper, I noticed a car coming to a screeching halt. I put down the paper and went to see where the sound came from. I noticed a young couple(20 something) got down from the car, crossed and went to a roadside eatery where they purchased something to eat and signaled for the dog to come. The well trained dog construing his masters order comes to the eatery where he is directed to the food. The dog now focuses all his attention on the food put before him and does not notice his master and mistress fleeing towards and away in their car. He starts to give chase but is too old and weak for it. The dog while in chase of his master's car is run over by a truck. The dog's misery of being deserted by his master and mistress is brought to a snappy end.

Question 1: Has Use and Throw become far too commonplace nowadays?

Question 2: Does Use and Throw have no morality attached to it?

Question 3: Do the practitioners of Use and Throw think they will remain unaffected by their own philosophy?

Question 4: Does the application of this philosophy have any boundaries? If so, what are they?

Question 5: Will there be any humanity left if this philosophy gains momentum? From the looks of it, Old Age homes are not getting any lesser by the day nor are the rates of Female Foeticide.

PS: My Sincerest apologies if you thought this post got a tad too serious, have been wanting it off my chest for a while now. Believe me when I tell you it was eating away my insides.

Being the Single in a Committed World

TO THE MARRIED/ENGAGED/COMMITTED FOLKS

Let me first take this opportunity to warn you beforehand, this is going to be one of those complaint box type posts where I ramble on and on about the issue at hand.

What does the universe have against us Single people? What have we ever done to you? I have off late noticed that, anyone and everyone I know seems to be in a relationship. From crazy love ridden Facebook statuses by guys my age to kids I've grown up playing cricket with are all now in committed relationships. Its almost an Epidemic, I tell you.

Now what this means to us Single people is that, we are usually caught unawares between the said friend and his love interest. The same guy who used to be able to come to the movies on any given weekend or play cricket at will or merely hang out with a beer on a Friday, suddenly has no time in the world for you. His mobile phone is his most trusted sidekick in this 'comedy' that is apparently his relationship. He spends more time kissing and canoodling his phone more than the actual girl herself. All questions with regards to why he did not turn up for last weeks snooker game or the Friday evening TV Football Marathon are met with a single and standard answer- You're not in a relationship, You wont understand.

What is it about a relationship that brings about this sudden and tectonic shift? Lets try and break the mystery in our own little way, Shall we?

So here's a list of things, you as a single guy/girl have experienced whilst being among married/about to be married/committed folks.

1. Never ending Love calls - Technology has improved and made communication much better and cheaper. The fact that 15 years ago, your local Uduppi restaurant sold Vada at 50 paise, when an STD call costed 5 Rs and now an STD call costs 50 Paise (or cheaper depending on the network you use) and a Vada costs about 5 Rs just goes on to show how technology has grown and how we misuse it to our advantage. The average gf/gf will resort to late night calling, depending on place of residence of course. My friend here in Germany has an app installed on his desktop and phone showing him what the exact time difference is between him and his Singapore based girlfriend so that she gets a good nights sleep. Now that's foresight and not everyone in relationships is as prudent like him; I reckon. Take the example of another friend who was almost broken up by your's truly for being on the phone with his lady love at 2.30 in the morning when there was a crazy party going on while he was oblivious to the truth and just went on and on by his own agenda till I lost track of how long he was on his love call.

All I ask you; committed people is, Yes, do talk to your loved one's on a daily/ hourly basis but please for heavens sake also don't forget to live the life you had when you were otherwise normal and flaunt your relationship in front of your single friends because:-

a) Some of us don't give a rodent's rear end.

b) Its outright obnoxious and frustrating when we have to put up with having invited you for dinner and 90% of your time at my place is spent talking to your lover. The only way we communicate with you is by becoming expert face reading professionals when we watch you display a spectrum of expressions ranging from a very Gay-ish sounding - 'Ohh Honey, oh sweety' to a Girlish 'Awwww' during your conversation.

2. The Gift Shopping Episodes - This is another one of those things that makes my blood boil, that I`m almost venting steam out of my ears. Why do you always pick the single guy to go with, when you go gift shopping for your lover? The gift selection is such a big deliberation, the delving into of which is done in of which is such great detail and attention that it would have rendered the lifelong efforts of the great Leonardo-da-Vinci worthless. The guy must not have read his 12th board exam question paper with such intent, but will put his entire concentration on getting his lover the perfect gift.

I recently happened to be tagged along for one such episode with a buddy of mine to a chocolate store and he spent close to 3 hours on the phone with almost half a dozen of the said girlfriend's closest friend group and finally came to the conclusion that he didn't want to buy from that particular store. I swore never to accompany him thereafter.

3. Discrimination - Single people are discriminated against everywhere and all the time.

Sample this,

1. When you're taking a train trip as a single guy, under no normal circumstances will you chance upon an attractive single lady travelling unaccompanied. It always has to be the possessive mother/father/elder brother who will go to the extent of mauling you, if you so much as steal a glance at the aforementioned young lady. Common folks, Occasional flirting is the greatest adventure that can happen to us poor souls, Have a heart and let us have our little bit of fun.

Fairly common in train journeys is also the irritant of people asking us single guys to Adjust Please. What can possibly be written on our foreheads that makes you think we should not stake claim to a lower berth. We do have a ticket that says otherwise. But not wanting to create a ruckus, we half-heartedly agree to your offer of switching to the Upper most berth where the ceiling is so low that you cannot turn over in your sleep without being hit by it.

2. Been to the movies alone? The annoying Ticket Uncle always gives you a corner seat. If it wasn't frustrating enough that your friends ditched you for the movies, the annoying couple next to you just cannot keep their hands off each other. In the bargain you miss 3 quarters of the movie on the silver screen but end up watching a poorly made Porno. (2 movies for the price of One. :D)

3. Ever tried going to a restaurant alone ???, You are perennially invisible to the waiter who does not understand the distress that you're under, for you are a simple creature who just needs your food to get a move on. You have to go to the extent of whistling for the waiter to place your order, Notwithstanding your frenzy driven waving to him he comes at his own sweet pace to take your order and brings you your given order which you can pretty well expect to taste funny and suspicious. Your frequent visits to the loo the next day are a direct result of a combination of the waiter's cold revenge that was served to you yesterday along with a few curses of his.

4. In the pubs and bars, Don't ever go to a bar with a married friend, take it from me. We`ve come here to drink our worries away and not to listen to your share of problems with your mother/father/sister-in-law. Over drinks we single people like to check out other attractive singles in the room and bang that's the exact auspicious moment you pick to tell us the most wretched of your sorrow stories. Being the large hearted souls that we are, we listen like we care, as you ramble on and on about life, marriage, love and its various pitfalls while simultaneously cursing you mentally for having cost us the opportunity to hit on that hot babe in black that we were scouting all night long, who just left after not being hit on by anyone.

Life is unfair to us single's but then again there are the those occasional moments which leave us gloating in glory

1. Like when you committed folks get into fights and come to us for sounding off on your lover/spouse/girlfriend and for insight like we're relationship PhD's.

2. Lets face it, we singles are the one's you turn to for your rebound or for consolation immediately after you've broken up.

3. We qualify as loyal buddies and great listeners, when you committed folks share with us your lengthy accounts of your romantic instances with your cute gf/bf, It sure isn't romantic to us, but we would never say that to your face because we love seeing you and your loved one smile ear to ear.

4. We're the first one's you turn to when your relationship seems like it's going South. We act as Peace brokers and in the process make ourselves look like buffoon's but would not say that explicitly because we see you so happy with your loved one.

We love you all to bits, we can hate you at times with vigor, but we can never leave you out of this circus we call life.

Here's to a peaceful co-existence.

Yours Lovingly

Frustrated Single Guy Caught up between Married/Commited/Engaged People.